1. Why FLYING is simply not safe. We reveal the latest good reason why boarding an aircraft may be the last thing you ever do
Airlines
are flying over war zones. Pilots fly with false limbs that fall off.
There are bird strikes and weather and the engineers are on strike. Both pilot and co-pilot are asleep at the controls. The tabloids are doing their bit for climate change by putting you off flying.
2. Yet
another possible conspiracy theory about the last big plane crash
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The
pilot had a curry the night before the ill-fated flight which means
he could have sympathies with Pakistan. Mysterious phone calls from
missing people. Search and rescue mission diverted to avoid PIRATES
which will probably turn out to have been hired by the airline to
cover up what REALLY happened; and equally implausible conjectures.
3. Convicted
CRIMINAL treated like human being in jail
Because
we all know that criminals should be tossed into a damp, smelly
dungeon with no windows and be fed on bread and water, since we're
not allowed to execute them. So it's OUTRAGEOUS that prisoners are
getting proper food and that we cater for their dietary requirements,
that they are allowed writing and drawing equipment or musical
instruments; that they can make phone calls and study. YOU the taxpayer are paying for this, don't forget.
4. Jobsworth
SCANDAL involving grandmother or sick or disabled person
Person
over 75 (usually a grandmother because we all love our grandmas) or a
person in a wheelchair or a person with cancer gets a parking ticket,
or some other inconvenience at the hands of a traffic warden, police
officer, security guard, shopkeeper; waiter or receptionist who refuses to serve them/asks them to leave/issues a fine for some spurious reason.
5. Why
something you have no control over is giving you cancer
Do
you have an asymmetrical face? Index finger longer than ring finger?
Did you EVER go out in the sun without sunscreen as a child, even for
five minutes? Was your mother over 28 when she had you? Did she smoke or drink or sunbathe while pregnant? If so, tough
shit, because a study has shown that if you answered "Yes"
to any of these, and/or a whole host of similar questions you are more
likely to get cancer.
6. And
when you DO get cancer, or any other nasty disease, for that matter,
don't expect any help from the NHS
Because
they will have given you the all clear by mistake and won't find out
until it's too late; you don't actually have anything life threatening but
you'll be left paralysed or disfigured by treatment you didn't
need; the drug that could have saved you is banned by NICE; the
nurses ignore you as you cry out in pain because they are updating
their FACEBOOK; they forget whether they gave you your medication
or not, or any other story of incompetence and/or cruelty by medical
and nursing staff.
7. While
we're on the subject of cancer and other nasty diseases, a human
interest story about how some very minor seeming symptom turned out
to be deadly CANCER or a HEART ATTACK and how the person coped
Some
person, often a celebrity but not necessarily, has an ache or a spot or an ingrowing
toenail and it's only because their dog started licking it
frantically or that they went for their routine dentist or optician check-up, that they knew something might be wrong. With any luck
they are OK now after months of grueling treatment, and their marriage breaking up due to the strain, but they want to spread the
word that if YOU have a pain in your little toe it could be cancer or
a heart attack and you need to get it checked out IMMEDIATELY.
8. A
story to make you afraid of Muslims, terrorists, all foreigners and
possibly even the kid next door
They
are simply not catching them quickly enough, people! Evil jihadists
are getting hold of fake passports and sneaking into the country and
getting jobs as TEACHERS in our schools. A known terrorist walked
RIGHT PAST a policeman in a London street and the policeman didn't know
who he was so DIDN'T arrest him! Terrorists are having PLASTIC
SURGERY on the NHS at your expense so they will not be recognised!
and suchlike. Not to mention the fact that seemingly mild-mannered British people sometimes have secret lives as evil jihadists and that includes women and people with babies!
9. Cute
animal story
A
bit of light relief from the terminally depressing stuff they've
published so far. In the interest of balance they think they'd better
put in something to cheer you up a bit. So here is a story about two
animals who really shouldn't be friends, but they are; something
unbearably cute being bottle fed after being rejected by its mother,
an animal that did something amazing like pull its owner out of a
burning building and then dialed 999 with its paws; and a panda that
might be pregnant.
10. Neighbour
from hell story
Someone
relating how the people next door are making their lives hell. Most
likely a large family who are on benefits, but it could equally be
a mad cat lady or a crotchety old person. They make noise, the
bratty kids make rude gestures, they post cat poo through our letter
box, they set fire to our car, and so on. The council are doing
absolutely nothing about it and I am having a nervous breakdown.
11. Story
guaranteed to get parents and the childfree at each other's throats
A
childfree celebrity writes about how parents are not controlling
their children in public places. A celebrity parent writes about how
childfree people are selfish, immature wastes of space who will never know what real love is. A childfree
person advocates that there should be childfree flights and childfree
restaurants; a breastfeeding mother gets on her high horse because
someone gave her a funny look as they passed the big picture window
of the coffee shop where she was feeding her baby in full view of passers by. Parents whine
about childfree colleagues and vice versa.
12. Pregnant
celebrity does something mind-numbingly boring but it's big news
because she's having a baby
You
have probably never even heard of this person, or if you have, you
neither know nor care that she's pregnant. But she IS and you REALLY need to know that she went out to buy a pint of milk; whether she
was hiding her baby bump or flaunting it; whether she is wearing
designer maternity gear or scruffy sweat pants, and whether the
father of the child went with her to the shops or not.
13. One
of your favourite telly programmes is not what it seems
You
thought REAL people auditioned for the X-Factor/Big Brother/The
Apprentice/whatever popular reality show is currently on, and that
the process was fair? Think again. An ex-contestant reveals how the
show's bosses approached them and BEGGED them to take part and how
they already had a recording contract/modelling job/successful
business; how badly they were treated behind the scenes; how the whole thing was fixed from the start; how they had to re-think the whole plan when the person they'd fixed to win was found to have experimented with illegal drugs once.
13a. Reader's
comments:
It's
time they axed this TERRIBLE programme, it's way passed it's cell by
date. Mr Angry from London.
You
don't have to watch it - that is what the "off" switch on
your TV is for. And it's time you learned how to spell. Voice of
Reason from Kent
14. Celebrity
shows that they are only human after all and it is SHOCKING
They have managed to get hold of a picture of a model or a film star
(almost certainly female) before it was photo-shopped, and, guess
what? She's FAT. She has prominent veins on her hands. She has ugly
feet. And is that a ZIT on her nose? She's not wearing any make
up, and she looks as bad as I do when I get up in the morning!
14b. Celebrity CONFESSES that he or she is only
human and suffered from depression; suffered in rehab; their mother
treated them badly or they hit the bottle when their celebrity
partner left them.
15. Young
people having a good time? Shouldn't be allowed
Sixth
formers, university students and young workers are throwing WILD
PARTIES, drinking alcohol and HAVING SEX!!!!
16. Scary
science story
Top
boffin's speculation as to something really scary that WILL happen if
we do nothing about climate change/ the birth rate/over-use of
antibiotics etc: presented as absolute fact when really, they are
only speculating. Or the boffin in question is talking about something
beyond our control like a super-volcano or an asteroid collision that
could happen ANY TIME and kill us all without warning. Or it may not. Sometimes, if
you read the article, you'll find that there's no way the disaster is
going to happen for another million years. So what are you worrying
about?
17. Weird
science story
New
photos from the latest space probe show something on Mars that looks
like a human being, an ancient airport, the M25, or something. Or it
could be closer to home, a new species of worm in the jungle of
Borneo, that evidence suggests your house plant can read or that
we are all descended from hobbits.
18. Big
Brother's watching, or if he's not, he soon will be
There's
a law about to be passed which will allow the government to fly
camera drones over your house; the US government already reads all
your Facebook and Twitter updates, or could if it wanted to, at
least. Or it might just be statistics about how many CCTV/speed
cameras there are - probably a lot more than you thought. Evil hackers and/or the government are recording every keystroke on your computer whenever you are connected to the internet.
19. SPOILER
ALERT!
Plot
line of a popular soap or TV series reported on as if it is a real-life
event.
20. Food
or drink scare story
If
Nanny State wants to manipulate you into eating more or less of
something, then the tabloids are here to help. They will report that a
carcinogenic substance (which will give a lab rat cancer if injected
in quantities you'd not consume in a lifetime if you just ate the
food) has been found in a common brand of nosh. They will tell you that
drinking 5 units of alcohol per week is NOT OK any more. Just ONE
unit a YEAR could result in you getting a nasty disease, and if your
child eats ONE slice of cake before it is ten years old it is 10%
more likely to get diabetes.
20a. Sooner
or later, though, the Nanny State will get stick from the food and
drink industry, because people are actually heeding these warnings; and the tax revenue from booze or fags or whatever is falling. They are happy then to quote a new boffin who is saying that a glass
of wine a week is actually GOOD for you now. Although there will have
to be a standard warning that if you have a single drop MORE than that you will
still get cancer, heart disease or diabetes.
20b. Someone has been disfigured and scarred for life by using a well known brand of sun cream/bubble bath/lipstick because they had no idea they were fatally allergic to it - and your toothpaste could be giving you cancer as well.
21. Worst
crime ever story
A
thug, or thugs, or in extreme cases, evil and/or heartless thugs, have
done something to an animal, a child, an old person, a disabled
person, a person with cancer, a pregnant
woman or a mother. The exact same crime, if it had been committed against a healthy, child
free adult would not get mentioned at all.
21a. Update
on the trial of last week's evil heartless thugs. They were found not
to be insane, and have been given a sentence which, while well within
sentencing guidelines, is far too lenient.
22. Airhead
minor celebrity does or says something to annoy people
Model
or starlet better known for her boobs than her brains makes racist or
homophobic remark, blings up her young child or pet, defends her
right to have a boob job on the NHS when people with serious
illnesses are turned away, or criticises a more popular celebrity.
22a. Meanwhile,
another celebrity loses it in public: in the street; in a shop/restaurant/club; in front
of a CCTV camera; on a plane and has to be removed from the
aircraft before it can take off.
23. Rich
people are spending their money however they like!
Yes,
they are flying private planes, dressing their children in designer
clothes and buying big houses! How dare they?
23a. Someone who is supposed to be too sick to work is spotted competing
in the Commonwealth Games.
24. Health
and safety gone mad
An activity
that is not the least bit dangerous, and/or is absolutely necessary
for a sick or disabled person to lead a normal life is banned by school/
local council/ shopping centre etc for fear they might get sued.
25. Something
you really like is going to be banned
It
might be a foodstuff, or equally it could be an activity, a train/flight/bus route, or anything that saves people money and/or makes everyone's life easier. But it's not making mega-rich businessmen
enough money so it's got to go. Or it's health and safety gone mad
again. Or they had ONE complaint about it, so they have to axe it.
Never mind the majority.
26. The
weather has gone bats**t crazy
Some
random place in the UK is hotter than Greece or colder than
Greenland. It's the wettest Tuesday since records began. Everything
has ground to a halt because of the rain/snow/wind/fog/heat. If it
hasn't already happened, it's about to, because we're going to get
the tail end of Tropical Storm Daenarys within 24 hours, and the Met
Office has issued a yellow snow warning.
NEW!!
Tabloid bingo card!
NEW!!
Tabloid bingo card!
|
FLYING
scare story
|
PLANE CRASH
Conspiracy
|
CRIMINALS
treated well in jail
|
Jobsworth
SCANDAL
|
Cancer
Scaremongering
|
|
NHS Scandal
|
CELEBRITY
health scare or normal person's super scary health scare
|
TERRORIST
scaremongering
|
CUTE animal
story
|
NEIGHBOUR
from HELL story
|
|
Parents vs
Childfree story
|
Pregnant
celebrity story
|
Reality TV
Revelations
|
Celebrity
looking FAT or UGLY
|
Celebrity
losing their RAG in Public
|
|
Young
People Having a good time - shouldn't be allowed
|
Scary
SCIENCE story
|
WEIRD
Science Story
|
BIG BROTHER
IS WATCHING YOU!
|
Events on
TV SOAP reported as if it's REAL LIFE
|
|
Food/drink/
Cosmetic SCARE story
|
Something
popular is going to be BANNED
|
Worst CRIME
EVER
|
Celebrity
says or does something annoying
|
Rich people
spending their MONEY however they LIKE
|
|
BENEFIT
CHEAT story
|
HEALTH AND
SAFETY GONE MAD story
|
THE WEATHER
HAS GONE MAD!!!!
|
Food/drink/
Cosmetic SCARE story refuted - it IS safe after all or at least
not as dangerous as we said last week
|
CELEBRITY
Telling all about their mental illness/ awful childhood/ drug
addiction/ break up.
|
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